I recently was asked about my thoughts on someone in a relationship accessing their mates cellphone. One of the examples I had given in the weblog, Shenanigans, spoke of a woman who had done that. I had written a bit about that subject in the new book I’m writing on relationships and I thought I’d post part of the chapter here.

Yes it’s a bit long and it’s also unedited and not finished. But hopefully it’ll give you some insight into my views on the subject. Enjoy! (And hopefully it’ll prompt some discussion with your mate!)

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Chapter 10: yOuR pRiVaCy

About a year and a half after high school I married my high school sweetheart. From the moment we started dating and all through our marriage we knew each others passwords to computers, we shared bank accounts, and we both had access to each others email and phones. It was never discussed. It just was natural and normal and not thought about in depth.

At the time, we’d hear of others that had separate bank accounts or who held access to their phones like a vault of the Federal Reserve and we’d just think it was weird. Here were people who got physically naked together, claimed to be intimate together, slept in the same bed, claimed to share hopes and dreams and yet when it came to basic shit like passwords, cellphones, and bank accounts they behaved like two very distinct separate people.

That was just never a thing with my ex-wife; and any time either of us had a question about what the other was doing, where the other had been, who we were talking to or messaging, the answers were always direct and honest.

Good or bad we always told each other the truth. And I know that for a fact because some of the truths I listened to weren’t always pleasant to hear. Of all the things that went wrong with our marriage, this approach, this behavior, in how we treated each other, I believe we got incredibly right. In fact, I’d say it’s one of the primary reasons we are still in contact with each other today.

See, it’s not that either of us didn’t do things during that time in our lives that didn’t warrant an explanation or didn’t make the other wonder; we did. But when either one of us had that question in their mind of what happened; or had that feeling of insecurity of what’s going on, we had the ability to go to the other one and ask directly. We had the ability to get STRAIGHT, DIRECT, and HONEST answers for any question we asked. As a result, there was never any seeds of doubt planted or allowed to grow. We remained confident in ourselves and our relationship because we allowed each other to question; and were confident in the answers given because neither of us feared verification.

It wasn’t until long after our divorce and well into another relationship that I learned of the value of having that intimacy with my ex-wife. My new relationship was much different; and suddenly I discovered the real meaning behind what I had heard from other guy friends over the years. I now had a legitimate reason to question. I now had a legitimate reason to feel insecure. Because the woman I had chosen to align myself with bred it. Questions asked would go unanswered or answers given would be vague. When I’d question the vagueness of the answer, I’d simply be dismissed as being “insecure”. Which is quite funny, considering I’m an Enneagram Eight, and that isn’t a strong character trait of an Eight.

I can remember feeling like something was just off. Couldn’t place my finger on it and my questioning of her on it simply created more conflict and no resolution. What was once something simple and no big deal, that often led to renewed confidence and resolution, now led to arguments and seeds of doubt being planted.

I waited until she was asleep and checked her phone. I had been keen on watching her enter the password and once she was asleep I accessed it and scrolled through the text messages. I sat there in the kitchen of our home and discovered that my feelings were valid. Was I angry? No. I just felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. I shut off the phone and put it back where I had found it. I never mentioned to her what I read that night. I never said a word about it to the “friend” she had been talking to; who always greeted me with smiles. I simply sucked it up and stowed it.

That was the first and last time I have ever checked a mates phone; and after much thought, I decided to NEVER do that again. I already had a feeling that the woman I was with wasn’t being square with me. She was a dishonest woman. Accessing her phone simply verified that; and the relationship ended with her chatting up another man behind my back. So for me, now, if I get that feeling I just trust it; and I’d encourage you to trust it too. If something feels off, it probably is. And if the person you’re talking to isn’t giving you straight, direct, honest answers when you ask them basic questions, then chances are they’re being deceitful; and you should protect yourself accordingly.

YOU. HAVE. A. RIGHT.

To know what’s going on in your relationship. You have a right to know if your mate is lying to you.

You have a right to know if you’re being exposed to a sexual disease.

You have a right to know if mate is using drugs.

You have a right to know if your mate has a gambling problem or is making bad

financial decisions.

You. Have. That. RIGHT. And only people who are deceitful or attempting to hide

something from you will ever attempt to shift the offense onto you for wanting to know the truth of it. Deceitful people will always cry about an “infringement of their privacy”. It’s not. You in a relationship with someone then their privacy is your privacy. You have a right to know. And if your relationship is healthy, your mate won’t blink an eye at handing you their phone, to squash out any seeds of doubt.

So, you’re in a relationship and you share toilets, assholes, dreams, and all sorts of other stuff in an effort to be together and share life as a couple. It stands to reason that sharing the other things in your life shouldn’t be any different. In a healthy relationship, it isn’t any different. It’s NORMAL. It’s NATURAL to do that with your mate. You share the MOST intimacy with them. You are the CLOSEST with them. It would be ABNORMAL for you to not.

And the biggest pushback I get from people when I describe this BASIC TRUTH all hinges on dysfunctional and toxic relationships that are subject to some form of abuse; and I can acknowledge that. In toxic relationships where there is an unhealthy dynamic of jealousy, or a controlling environment, etc. the thought of sharing a password or offering up a cellphone for your partners viewing I can imagine would bring some serious anxiety. I’ve found that people that have come from toxic or dysfunctional relationships always have that response.

BUT. THAT’S. NOT. NORMAL.

THAT is dysfunction. In a normal healthy relationship, it shouldn’t even be a question. In a normal healthy relationship, it’s not MY privacy…it’s OUR privacy. And when you’re in a normal healthy relationship you’re O.K. with that, because you feel secure, you feel loved, cause you KNOW you can ASK ABOUT ANYTHING…and you’re going to hear the truth. In straight forward, direct, honest answers from someone who loves you and cares about your emotional well-being. You have a mate that in NO WAY wants ANY seeds of doubt or insecurity to take hold or fester in your mind. So they’ll “Nip it now” and hand you their phone. EXPOSED. NAKED. RAW. Standing before you, giving you all that they have. THAT is the Juice. THAT is the Quan. And if you don’t have that in your relationship, you don’t have real intimacy.

Don’t let deceitful people hide their deceit under the guise of their privacy.

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***I’ll have more written about this in the book. But for now…guys, they have a right ta see your phone. They do. Don’t get defensive, own up to whatever is on it, and hand your lady that phone. Either you’re in it or you’re not. If you’re not willing to do that…you ain’t in it. That’s what I think.

****Update: The book is finished! Read more about this subject HERE 

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