Three old ladies were sittin on a porch in rocking chairs. Rocking back and forth, sippin iced tea and admiring the view of a summer day. After a bit, one of the ladies says, “Ya kno, my late husband Harold was such a good man ta leave me this house. It’s such a nice house with this nice porch we’re sittin on right now”. They all nodded in agreement. Loise turned to Myrtle and said, “Oh that’s so nice of him”. Maude simply said, “That’s nice”.

Then a few moments later Loise said, “My late husband Thomas was such a great man too, he left me his massive pension to live off of before he passed and I haven’t a want of anything”. Once again, they all nodded in agreement. Myrtle turned to Loise and said, “What a sweet man!” Maude just kept rocking and said, “That’s nice”.

Myrtle went on ta say, “And Harold was so thoughtful, he even made sure I had this nice car that’s totally paid for and in great shape for me to drive”. Loise and Myrtle just smiled and nodded in agreement. Loise said, “I think we were both well taken care of”. Maude just looked on and said, “That’s nice”.

After a bit of pondering and rocking, Loise and Myrtle noticed Maude wasn’t sayin much. So Myrtle turns ta Maude and says, “Ya kno Loise and I have been talking about how much our husbands have done so much for us before they passed, what did old Clyde ever do for you”? Maude took another sip of her tea and then said, “Well, he sent me ta etiquette school”.

“Etiquette school!?” declared Myrtle and Loise in unison.

Maude said, “Yes, etiquette school”.

“Etiquette school, what’s that?!” asked Myrtle.

Maude took another sip of her tea then said, “Yes, etiquette school. That’s where you learn ta say, That’s nice…when you really mean, Fuuuuck yooou!”.

Heard that joke years ago.

Buddy of mine told me it while sittin around a campfire during Elk season. I laughed so hard. He told it so well. I could see the old ladies on the porch, sippin their tea. It was hilarious. I remember thinkin, I could totally relate. Years later I still think about that joke and the meaning behind it.

I was reminded of it recently. Over the years I have developed my own “That’s nice”, when I really mean “Go f*ck yourself.” Ya kno what I mean. When you meet those types of people that you go out of your way to be nice to and they’re still just a dick. Or the types of people that always have a problem, and nothing you do or say will solve it for them. You’ve done all you can do and all that’s left to do is send them on their way and let them annoy the shit out of the next person they encounter.

I don’t take it lightly. When I use the phrase I use, it’s typically when people have proven themselves as being unreasonable or incapable of rational thought. It’s my Iron Curtain. The end game. The last I’m ever going to say of the matter.

“Wish you the best!”

 

That’s my version of Maude’s “That’s nice.” I say, “Wish you the best!” and then hang up, or walk away, or stop texting, etc. And in my head, the moment I say it, I hear “Go f*ck yourself!”. Brings a smile to my face, every time. 

Now, you may be scrolling back thru old texts or emails from me, possibly thinkin back ta old conversations we’ve had, in an effort to remember if I have ever said that to you. In some cases I may have. BUT if I followed it with “Truly”, then I actually meant I wished you the best.

See, I know what I bring to the table. I know what I am capable of and what I am willing to do for someone. So if the person I am attempting to help doesn’t grasp that, doesn’t understand that, is incapable of determining the type of person they are talking to with me, then in my mind they got it comin. And they can go f*ck themselves. Telling them I wish them the best is the kindest way of me telling them that.

AND it’s politically correct.

You can say it at work or in a public place, like a restaurant. You can say it in front of your peers. It’s beautiful!…it’s like takin that first drag of a cigarette after you haven’t had a smoke in a while.

You can say, “Wish you the best!”, and suddenly no matter how jacked up the situation is or how unbelievably ridiculous the person you are talkin to is, it just goes away and all is right in the world again. It’s the inside joke that only the few that have known me, know. Until now.

There’s something freeing in that and I highly recommend it. So for all of those reading this, I WISH YOU THE BEST!…Truly. 

Copyright©2022 Jacob C. Larson All Rights Reserved

***I think we all kno which finger Fred is using ta hold up that puppet…Haha! 

****There is a level of dumb in which my brain refuses to persist. It is in those times when confronted with the height of stupidity that I am resigned to Wish someone the Best. It is the last kindness I can afford. So if you have heard those words from me, be thankful. You have been spared the truth of how I feel.