Haven’t posted much of the new book I’m workin’ on, but make no mistake, it’s still being written. Here’s the latest excerpt. Enjoy! UPDATE: The latest book, “Practical Ramblings on Relationships” is finished and published! Get a copy: HERE 

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Chapter 4: Attachment Style

When I had first heard of these it was as if a light bulb had turned on inside my head. Suddenly the little nuances that we all take for granted had a rhyme and reason behind them. My need to connect in certain ways and my mates need to connect in certain ways led to past histories and development that had taken place over years before we had even met. Texts received and returned, phone calls made and missed, conversations had and avoided, all rooted in our own individual Attachment Styles.

So what are they?

Attachment styles are the method and means in which we connect with other people and people who are much more versed on the subject have narrowed it down to four of them: #1. Secure, #2. Anxious, #3. Avoidant-Dismissive, #4. Avoidant-fearful.

Now, obviously, I am not qualified to speak in-depth about any of these; however, if this is the first you’ve heard of these then hopefully I have done enough to peak your curiosity to prompt you delve deeper into the rabbit hole of what an attachment style is and to discover your own.

To have an Attachment Style of “Secure”, means you probably grew up in a two parent household, you trust fairly easily, you’re in tune with your emotions, you can communicate upsets respectfully, and you can lead with cooperation and flexibility. *Less than 10% of the population actually fall into this category.

To have an attachment style of being “Anxious”, means you probably had some experiences at home that weren’t quite right and need to be more reassured and have affirmation in your relationships. You probably struggle a bit with communicating your needs directly. You may even “act out” by attempting to make your mate jealous in an effort to get your point across or to express a need.

To have an attachment style of being “Avoidant-dismissive”, means you probably were left to fend for yourself alot; and as a result, downplay the importance of your relationships. Pretend to be “self-reliant” and often act as if any pain you are feeling doesn’t matter or is irrelevant. You’ll dismiss any hint of vulnerability, unless and until there is a big crisis.

To have an Attachment Style of “Avoidant-fearful”, means you have more of a dependency in a relationship. You have a strong feeling of abandonment. You have strong fears of rejection. Have a very low self esteem and a high anxiety in the relationship. Worry about losing the relationship at any time. Are often labeled as “Clingy” by your exes.

Now, with the brief explanations that I have provide above, can you see how a person’s attachment style would directly influence and affect a person’s relationships?

BIG TIME, right?

But how often is this even talked about? Rarely. In most cases, it isn’t. It’s typically ignored and dismissed. Why? Because it’s TOO MUCH WORK! Takes work to delve into the different attachment styles and the honesty required to determine yours?

Gaaahhh! Who wants to do that? But seriously….is your attachment style messin you up?

Is the lack of understanding of yourself and your mate messin things up? Then maybe discovering what your attachment style is will be important. Maybe, learning about and understanding your mates attachment style is will help you understand and connect differently? Maybe, it’ll provide answers and understanding as to why that text wasn’t returned? Why it’s important for you to hear the words I love you every morning but he can go about his day just fine without ever uttering them?

Sometimes it’s the little things like this that make the difference. Sometimes something as simple as knowing how you connect with other people and how they connect with people gives you insight. Insight that allows you to understand and avoid arguments and hurt feelings.

If you are with someone who came from a troubled childhood, you can know that their need to retain some level of independence doesn’t stem from a lack or distrust in you. That feeling in them existed long before you ever showed up. So, you don’t have to take it personally. You can recognize it and understand it. Essentially giving them room.

Or…it could be a behavior that you can’t live with…one that is at odds with your own attachment style and you’ll know you need to move on.

Attachment Styles aren’t something you just change. They are obtained and acquired through years of development. People in relationships with each other are often victims of the attachment styles of the people they’re with. People often find themselves subject to the attachment styles of their mate without having had full disclosure. ‘Cause most people don’t know they even have an attachment style, let alone have put in the effort or work involved to know what theirs mean or how it affect their relationship. But make no mistake, it absolutely does. In big ways. And you owe it to yourself and your mate to discover and master yours.

Think about it, if you know your mate has an attachment style of being anxious are you going to deliberately do things that make them feel anxious in the relationship? No. Of course not. Having that bit of information of what makes them feel that way will allow you to curb your behavior in a way that isn’t triggering to them. Which is something you’ll do, when you actually give a damn about someone. It’s the equivalent to knowing and understanding that someone has a fear of spiders and deliberately not bringing spiders around them. To bring spiders around someone who has a history of a fear of spiders is cruel. And so, knowing of your mates attachment style and willfully ignoring or dismissing it is equally cruel. Dismissing that fact makes you an asshole.

People don’t voluntarily pick their attachment style. Often times they’re simply stuck with what they have acquired. Acquired through outside forces and influences of no choice of their own. Understand that. Grasp that concept. Think about that. If the attachment style we all have was our own choice I’d wager we’d all choose to be “Secure”. But we’re not…not by a long shot.

So give your mate what they need…and pray that they are in tune enough with you to do the same for you.

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Copyright©2021 Jacob C. Larson All Rights Reserved

***To those that would dismiss this…just because you refuse to acknowledge it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist or isn’t there. YOU have an attachment style…we all do! 

****Find out what your mates attachment style is and be sensitive of it. Do that, and you’ll connect in ways with them that no other will match. Make an effort to s p e a k their l a n g u a g e…