I recently commented on a meme that was posted on Facebook. The meme posed the question: “Ladies, your HUSBAND and your FATHER are arguing. Your husband says go get in the car, your father says sit down. What’s your next move”?

Outside of the typical, I’m my own woman, no one tells me, blah blah blah bullshit from some of the women on the thread, this guy posted to the thread and he said, “I’m a husband and a father, you better listen to your daddy”.

One lady responded: “Then she might as well get in the bed with you and move back in”.

I responded with:

“Then you did a lousy job and care more about yourself than you do your daughter. Cause if you really gave a damn about her you’d recognize the importance of not becoming a “wedge” in her relationship and you’d never ask that of her. You’d tell her to support and respect the wishes of her husband”.

Then I posted the screen shot of the exchange on my wall and most of the people on that thread agreed with me.

But the post got me ta thinking….

How common is that? For parents to become a “wedge” in their kids relationships? I know that I’ve personally experienced it on some level and I’ve witnessed it in relationships of my friends. And it always strikes me as a bit odd. I mean, as a parent, I can definitely see how I would remain protective of my babies even when they’re in a relationship. But…I also recognize that at that point my job, as a parent, is kinda done. I mean, sure, I’m always going to be there for them for support, etc. But all of those years that I had of parenting them was for this part, RIGHT? 

It’s the natural order of things. How things are supposed ta go. Your parents did it for you, right? So what gives?

What is with parents that can’t or don’t stop parenting? 

At some point, I mean, you have to recognize your child as an adult, right? Functioning and capable of behaving like an adult. Getting into and living in adult situations. Responsible for their own shit, right?

And…why would you ever place yourself into the middle of that without being asked?

Relationships are hard. Damn hard. And I’m not sayin’ that meaning that getting along with someone is hard; often times that’s the easy part, the hard part is navigating through what life throws at you. That’s what makes things hard. Because you can’t predict it. You can absolutely love each other and get along great, and yet, life can screw you.

So WHY would a parent ever want to add to that?

But they can and often do. If it isn’t in how you raise your kids, it’s where you move, or how you fold your laundry, etc. Some parents seem to think that they should be held in a higher regard than your mate; because they raised you. But it’s not true.

One of the most basic fundamentals of parenting is the desire to have your kids live a better life than you did. And yet it would seem to be a foreign concept to some parents.

They may passive aggressively not be willing to watch your kids because, “Now you’ll know what it feels like…” or “I never had any help or anyone to watch my kids when I raised you”….

They will voice their dislike or disapproval of the person you chose to be with and they’ll be unapologetic of it; as if they are justified in being totally rude, because they are a parent.

They’ll purposely sabotage “date nights”, family get-togethers, etc. all for the sake of themselves. Putting themselves in between their kids and their kids mate.

It’s a flawed thought process

It’s a self-absorbed, inconsiderate, self-entitled attitude. The LAST thing a couple needs is a parent that is working against them.

And maybe, to give some of them the benefit of the doubt, you could claim they are unknowingly or unwittingly behaving that way. But personally, I think it’s much deeper than that.

I think that behavior is based in jealousy, narcissism, and a internal conflict…that has nothing ta do with your kid or who they chose to be with.

As a parent, you don’t have to “like” the person your kid chose to spend their life with. You don’t. But you do have to respect the decisions and choices your son or daughter has made. And hopefully, they’ve made some good choices in that regard, right?…cause you raised them to.

And if not, then you should be respectful and supportive, to the best of your ability; 

because you love them and want the absolute BEST for them…and you hope it’s a better life than what you had. You HOPE they don’t have ta go thru the same shit you went thru. You WANT it to be a bit easier for them. That they build strong, positive relationships, successful relationships…so they avoid the shit you went thru.

Cause if you can’t do that, then you better ask yourself why? Something is incredibly wrong if you can’t do that.

And of course, I always get the people that bring up the variables. “Well, what if there’s abuse?”, “What if it’s a financial mistake that could be devastating?”, ‘What if it’s bad for the kids?”, etc. Sure, you can definitely make a list of numerous types of dysfunction and trauma. Right now though, the only dysfunction and trauma I’m focusing on is you being so self absorbed as a parent that you can’t be supportive of your own child. I’m simply exploring a basic fundamental of parenting that shows at some point, you need to recognize that your role has changed.

You don’t need to “teach” your kids a lesson anymore. “nOw tHeY’ll kNoW I wAs riGhT”! They got life as a “teacher” now.

There should be no pleasure or sense of validation in seeing your kid go through shit.

 

Now…you need to be their rock.

Now, you need to be their support. You need to be their greatest ally and friend. You need ta have their back. They should be able to count on you when the shit in life hits the fan.

…and if you can’t do that, then you’re a shitty parent.

So do your best to avoid conflicts with your kids mate. You do your best to take a night and watch those kids, (NOT to become a babysitter. No one is suggesting you spend your golden years watching little ones). But occasionally? For a date night? So your son or daughter can connect with their mate and solidify their relationship? Uh, hell ya!

You stand down

You don’t put yourself in a place of becoming a wedge between your kid and their mate. Which means, if your daughters husband looks at her and says he wants to go, you expect her ta go; and when your sons wife says she wants ta leave, you expect him to get his happy fat ass up off that chair and leave with her. To expect anything less is a flawed, irrational thought process rooted in disfunction. To expect a son or daughter to choose their parent over the will or wishes of their mate, is fundamentally flawed. 

…and that is what I think.

Copyright©2021 Jacob C. Larson All Rights Reserved

***I’ve heard of men taking sides of their mother against their women. I think they are the definition of the term: “Momma’s boy”; and they have no clue how devastating that type of behavior is on the relationship with their women. Women view it as a total lack of support. It chips away at the trust in the relationship. If you’re a guy reading this, don’t ever do that. Like, ever. Your lady is your lady. Period. She’s first above all others. Period. 

If you happen to be the kid of a self-absorbed, inconsiderate, narcissistic, self-serving parent, what do you do?

 *****The short answer is: not much. It’s a tough spot to be in, for sure. Chances are if you attempt to address it, you’ll be the one labeled as being selfish and inconsiderate. Parents that behave like that have psychological issues that are far beyond you. The best that you can do is simply attempt to be understanding of that, not take it personal, and adjust your expectations accordingly. Meaning, get accustomed to not relying on them for relationship stuff and don’t expect them to be supportive of you or your mate. Don’t use them for genuine counsel and don’t expect them ta be supportive. Protect yourself and your mate: from your toxic parent and continue to love that parent anyway. Maybe some day they’ll get it?

*****If you are part of a couple and you’re reading this…have your mates back. It is soooo important. Just BE THERE for your mate. Ya, sometimes it’s tough, sometimes you’ll make mistakes, etc. But if you want a shot at a successful relationship…you can’t miss this one. Your responsibility is your mate. Don’t let them down. A healthy parent will know that.