Talk to a friend of mine recently that I hadn’t seen in a while. After muddling thru some of the basic catch up normal stuff he looked at me and said he wanted to thank me. I asked, for what? And he said I told him something years ago that always stuck with him, he applied it, and it changed things for him. My interest was peaked at this point. I wondered what it could be that was so notable to get such a response from someone. I immediately secretly hoped that whatever he was about to say would have just as great an impact on me as it did for him.  He said, “You told me that other peoples shit is not my shit. That we all have our own shit; and friendships, relationships, work when everyone works on their own shit. The moment their shit affects my shit, walk away. I’m responsible for my own shit; and they’re responsible for theirs. We can be friends, we can be family, we can be a couple, until they stop working on their own shit and their shit gets on mine”.

Truthfully, I hadn’t remembered saying that…but it does sound like something I’d say. I had forgotten about it. I forget the context of the conversation; but I remember wanting my words to have impact, so I said them in a way that would stick. What better way to get something to stick than to use Shit? 

I love people. I do. As much as I rally and rage against behaviors, personality traits, social issues; pretend that I don’t, it is my inherent actually giving a damn within me that drives me to voice things. I want to help. I want to be that voice that helps with healing. But I’ve found that often the path to healing and helping gets messy. You sometimes gotta to break thru walls of ego, denial, avoidance, trauma, knowledge or the lack of it, etc. So, I tend to test the waters a bit with a subtle or not so subtle verbal smack; solely to see the response, find out who I’m talking to. Then I go from there. It’s not perfect. I’ve blown people out the gate using that technique. But the spark or emotion either way is noted.

The reality is…sometimes you can’t. Sometimes even your best efforts brings you up short. Relationships, all relationships, are about growth. The popular saying, “If you don’t love me at my worst then you won’t have me at my best”, is total bullshit. It’s a saying posed by someone with a juvenile mindset that feels like the world should just have to deal with their shit in order to be worthy of the good in them. But we don’t. The rest of the world is under no obligation to deal with your shit. You’re responsible for your own shit. And when your shit affects other people…you should acknowledge that and apologize. If you don’t…the people around you should walk away. Anything else is abuse. You are putting them in a position of abuse and suffering due to your shit. That’s not okay! 

So I hear this from this man and I’m legit dumbfounded over it, because it’s something I knew and yet forgot. I haven’t applied it in my own life. I used to. But somewhere over the years my incessant desire to help, be of service to others, I’ve unwittingly put myself in positions of being taken for granted and abused. Tolerating things that I have no reason to tolerate. Setting myself up for pain, heartache, misery…for what? Hearing those words from him, my own words, gave me pause. Made me re-evaluate what I’m doing…and for whom. 

You have friends that you enjoy. They are good people. But when their shit affects your shit…they need ta go. I’ve had people tell me stuff like, well so and so is a lot of fun but they drink too much or they use drugs whatever; and they want to have this loyalty, ya know? They want to have this “acceptance” and “non-judgement”, etc. Because they want to be a good friend. I get it. But when your “friend” is coming over to your house and doing drug deals in your backyard…they’re not being a friend; and that shit can affect your shit.

People with family members that literally go through hell over the concept of “Blood is thicker than water”, “They’re family”, blah blah blah; NO IT ISN’T and SO WHAT. If you have a family member that is behaving like a total prick, YOU DON’T OWE THEM simply because they happened to be pushed out into the same genetic chain as you! Some of the worlds greatest atrocities have been perpetrated under the guise of “Family”. Fuuuuck Thaaaat.

You got couples in relationships that drone on and on and on for years with dysfunctional bullshit. Why? No, I mean like legit: why. If you’ve voiced the concerns and it’s fallen in deaf ears, if you’ve had the talks, over and over and over and over again, if reciprocity, respect, empathy, apology, etc. isn’t there…what are you doing? Ya know, there is a really fine line when it comes to sacrificing for love, “hanging in there”, “Standing by your man”, etc and dealing with abuse. A really fine line. It only works if the person you’re doing it for is in a place of transition and is wanting change and making an effort. Seriously. Everybody has personal trauma/baggage to work thru; I get it. But it’s NOT your responsibility to address their trauma/baggage. That’s their shit. And when their shit affects your shit they should acknowledge it and apologize for it; then attempt to do better!

See, I’m not advocating that people just kick their relationships to the curb if they don’t work for them. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m not suggesting that the moment someone does something you don’t like to just kick them to the curb when it no longer benefits you. That’s not it at all. I’m simply saying that people who value you, appreciate you and the relationship; whether it be a friend, family member, co-worker, significant other, those people will be willing to grow with you!

And if not…Don’t let their shit get on your shit! 

Walk away.

I know! It sucks! Hate ta say it. Wish it could be different. Wish people would just take the steps necessary to establish and maintain healthy relationships. But that’s not reality. People tend to get comfortable and then stop affording people the basic common courtesies they did at the beginning of the relationship; or sometimes, they were just never taught and it’s pure ignorance.

YOU. CAN’T. “FIX”. THEM.

 

Admittedly there was a time in my ignorance and arrogance I thought I could. I thought I could rationalize or explain away certain things with logic and reason and uplifting meme’s and words of affirmation and encouragement, etc. It’s all bullshit. It doesn’t work. People simply do what they do and go where they go and no amount of talking or understanding is ever going to change that. It’s a God thing. I think sometimes it legit will take an act of God to break through some of the deep seated shitholes people have themselves in. Truly.

Knowing that, sometimes YOU need ta get out of the way. Sometimes the cost of a persons growth and personal development comes at the price of your friendship or being included as a member of the family; or is bought with the price of a separation. I know there are some that will argue that. Claim that recovery or reconciliation, etc. is best achieved thru a “Strong support system”…blah blah blah.

Don’t sacrifice yourself for their shit. Don’t do it. Don’t subject your kids or other family members or other friends or other random people who are unfortunate enough to cross paths with you while you’re attempting to deal with someone else’s shit.

Have the courage to walk away.

YOU STAY IN IT BECAUSE IN YOUR ARROGANCE YOU THINK GOD NEEDS YOU. GOD DOESN’T NEED YOU. GET OUT OF THE WAY. 

Sometimes a person’s best growth is achieved at the loss of a relationship. Don’t be afraid to give that to them. Have the courage to walk away.

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