A few weeks after my wife and I got divorced we both received a letter from the court. It was telling us that our divorce had gone very smooth and we had been selected to come and talk at one of their parenting classes so that other parents could benefit from how we were able to seperate so amicably. It offered us a small amount to pay for our time. One of the caveats was they wanted us to bring our children with us. So the people we were speaking to could ask us questions about how we decided on custody and could question our kids about how they felt about their parents going through a divorce. Our son was 14 at the time and our daughter was 10. After a very brief discussion, our answer was: No.

Over the years I’ve seen quite a few break-ups and experienced one myself since that time. I’ve often thought about the things my ex and I did right. Some of the things we did wrong. At any rate, below is a list of things I’ve experienced myself, and some of which I have simply witnessed. I’d love to say that it is an impartial list, but I know that wouldn’t be accurate. Try as I may, I doubt I could create a list of how to break-up successfully without referencing gender. So, please understand this is from the perspective of a man.

#1. Find someone to confide in:

One. Find someONE. Or maybe two people. But don’t go spreading your business with all your mutual friends. You need someone to confide in, for sure; but there’s an inherent lack of wisdom with people who go around trashing their ex with other people. If you’ve spent any time in a relationship, you’ll build a mutual group of friends together. If you trash each other on the breakup it causes battle lines to be drawn and “He said/She said” to take place. This doesn’t “help” the situation, it makes it worse. So, avoid it. Don’t engage in it and ignore it if your ex engages in it. Your silence will prove that you’re the mature one.

On the off chance that the break-up isn’t permanent, you’ll be glad you followed this piece of advice. It’s always a hard sell to friends and family that you’re getting back together when they’re privy to the dirt that happened between you two.

#2. Keep it off social media:

Social media during a break-up can be down right evil. Avoid the status posts. Avoid the memes. You’re hurting and you want to express your pain. Trust me, I get it. But, once again, it does you no benefit. Adds nothing of value to the situation other than add more drama to the drama you already have going on. So, if you feel the need to express how you’re feeling about your future ex, contact people privately. It IS a good thing to let people know you’re breaking up or no longer together, for sure. If you don’t let people know, social media is a great way to have a constant reminder of your failed relationship. ‘Cause people will mention your ex, tag you both in posts, etc. Which isn’t so great when you’re trying to get past a relationship. So ya, definitely reach out to people, but be as brief as possible. Literally no one respects a status post trashing your ex. No one. You think it paints you in a good light; it doesn’t. It simply shows all future mates their fate should things not work out and you break-up. It’s incredibly juvenile.

So, you break-up, block your ex, don’t keep track or stalk their page, don’t post statuses about them, just move on. Is that hard? Uh, ya. Damn straight it’s hard. But that is what you should do. You’ll be better for it.

#3. Let it go:

This is primarily a guy thing. I’ve felt this myself and I’ve heard a number of men who’ve gone through a break-up say the same thing. You have a break-up and the woman gets the house you’re living in, the car you bought together, half of your pension, half of the business you built, she continues to take the vacation alone that was meant for the two of you, etc. She’s got the new guy in the bed you shared. She’s entertaining the new guy with the t.v. you bought. Chatting up other dudes on the phone you paid for. I get it. I mean, I reeeally get it. The level of salt in a wound like that is massive. It’s like the guys that pay for their lady to get a breast enhancement only to get dumped shortly after surgery. As she uses her new breasts, that you paid for, to attract and please other men. Y e a h….guys make fun of guys that happens to. So ya, I get it. Nothing hurts quite like the thought that, “I’m being hurt…and I paid for this”.

So understand something. Women don’t see it as disrespect. They don’t/won’t acknowledge it as an offense. If they do, they simply justify it. “Well, he deserves it”; “He was disrespectful to me, so I have no respect for him”.

So let it go. Simply walk away. Let them have the stuff. All of it. Any woman that wants the stuff, sees more value in the things you’ve acquired than you, the person that provided it, isn’t worth spending your time on. The stuff won’t last forever. It’s all got an expiration date attached to it.

#4. Don’t betray their trust:

Does. Not. Matter. If you betrayed their trust in the relationship or that they betrayed yours. Once you break up, you got a clean slate all over again. The things that you experienced together, the history, the good and bad of it, is yours. Both of yours. Forever. You got a new chance at being true. Someone solid. So, if they’ve ever confided to you some of their deepest darkest secrets that they haven’t told anybody, then keep it that way. Stuff like that is between you and your ex; it’s no one else’s business. Sharing stuff like that does nothing but make you look like a jerk. Don’t share intimate details of your relationship with everybody after the break-up. Just. Don’t. Do. It. Nothing good comes of it if you do.

#5. Continue to care:

I don’t believe in treated exes bad simply because you break-up. Your relationship has changed, but you should still want the best for them. I think that is a level of humanity and maturity we should all be striving for.

That doesn’t mean you should or could continue to provide the financial, emotional, or spiritual support to your ex that you used to. But when I see meme’s on social media like, “Your ex is in jail and they call you, what do you say?” or “Would you hit your ex with a car for a million dollars?”. The answers to those questions should be: “How can I help?” and “No”. Yes, I’m familiar with how funny the answers can be. But the reality is, you’ve shared a history with that person, and that history should mean something. Should have value. And you should continue to prove to them what they gave up or lost.

That’s a tall order. I know it. I’ll admit it. Not one that you may be able to do right away. That may take time for you to get to the place where you wish them well. Where you want them to continue to eat…but not at your table. But you’ll be better for it if you can manage it. Work to get to that place.

Copyright©2020 Jacob C. Larson All Rights Reserved

***I am not in favor of divorce, break-ups, separations, etc. I am of the opinion that they are evil. The result of a broken people in a broken world. I believe in grace, mercy, forgiveness, redemption, salvation. I believe that those that believe in God, believe in those things; because I believe that God is a God of salvaging the broken and mending that which is torn.

That being said, if a relationship is set to end, then know that the new beginning starts with the break-up. You have the opportunity to move forward together separately in a better way then when you were together. Strive for that. You may not be with a person who is capable of recognizing that; DO YOUR PART ANYWAY.

I’d love to say that I have followed these five things faithfully; but I haven’t. At times, I have failed miserably. But if I were to say what makes things easier in a break-up, from what I have seen and personally experienced…this is it.