Summer of 1992 I was working for the City of Veneta as a Utility Worker I. I was 19. It was a job that I had applied for at the instruction of my supervisor at the time. It was a position that had many applicants. Most of which were much older than me. When I got the position I was told how lucky I was. How it was such a good job that paid such great benefits. How I was “set” for life. And every time I heard those words, I felt such a pit in my stomach. Hard to explain really. Just an overwhelming sense of dread. 19 and my path was already laid out to the grave. I just couldn’t shake that feeling of disappointment.

When I expressed how I was feeling to my supervisor, he suggested I go back to school. But, for what? When he asked me what I wanted to do, my response was quick and to the point. I wanted to work for myself. He said, “Then you need to study business”. With that, I enrolled into a business management program at one of the local colleges.

I knew nothing about attending the “right” college or anything about how some colleges are considered to be more “prestigious” than others.

All I cared about was that it was accredited and that I was going to be getting the information I needed to start my own business. So I worked full time at the City during the day and attended classes at night. The courses were easily navigated, I learned a lot, met some good people, and it proved to be a valuable resource of information over the course of what my life would bring. My time there was not wasted. I didn’t attend to impress anyone on a resume. I actually applied what I had learned.

But there was one class in particular, of any of the classes I had taken that stood out among the rest. I remember it specifically because it was the one class that all students were required to take regardless of their major; and it was the one class that everyone complained about having to take. To many it was “so stupid” and a “waste of time”.

It was called, “An Investment in Excellence” and it was centered solely on self improvement.

So while some actually failed that class, I actually paid attention and passed. Now, there’s no way I can remember or even attempt to try and cover everything that was discussed in that class. It was extensive. However, one thing that was discussed has often stood out over the course of my life in business and it’s the one thing that I think is often found to be a difficult challenge to overcome of anyone who is reaching for something “new” in life.

The understanding that…

Your friends and family do not actually want you to succeed.

Seems a bit odd doesn’t it? That statement. I’m pretty sure you feel the same thing in your gut as I do when I type it. That immediate push back inside of your mind declaring, “That’s not true! My friends and family love me!” And it’s true, they do, but they’re battling their own demons, and your desire to succeed and achieve has just unwittingly shown a giant spotlight on every insecurity and failure they have.

You got a great business idea, you got an application in for schooling, you got plans to move, you have a job position you want to apply for, etc. Whatever it is may be a bit outside of what is normal, for your group of friends or family. Suddenly once your plans are voiced, you’re listening to a litany of reasons why whatever it is you want to do will most likely end in failure or is really hard, etc. Followed up with personal life experiences grounded in bitterness and the “wish that someone had told me.”

And how benevolent of them to tell you, right?

How great of them to share all of their insecurities and failures with you. To “support” and “look out” for you. Because they love you and care about you and would in no way consciously and willingly input seeds of doubt into your brain. (Pleeeease sense the sarcasm of that last statement)

Because it is sarcasm. All of the reasons behind why they’re telling you all the things they’re telling you, isn’t actually true. The psychology behind what they are telling you goes much deeper than that. And it’s not always a conscious thing. Most of the time, people genuinely feel like they are making an effort to help you.

The reality is, if they really wanted to help you when you shared with them a new goal or dream that you’re going to pursue, they’d keep their own personal failings in it to themselves.

Their path is NOT your path. Their failures will NOT be your failures. Likewise, their success will NOT be your success.

Sure, they mean well. But try to keep in mind, that people will unwittingly put seeds of doubt into your brain early on in any endeavor you attempt, if you let them. Hear that last part? If you let them. Don’t allow friends and family to do that.

Don’t allow their insecurities, their failures, their poor life choices, impede or prevent you from pursuing your goal or dream. Just don’t let that happen. Avoid having the conversation or simply cut it short should it turn into that. Success in anything comes from a desire to win and the tenacity to not quit. DO. NOT. QUIT. Keep pushing towards the goal.

When faced with challenges, and challenges will most definitely come, you don’t want the grumblings of your friends and family running through your head during those times. So don’t allow them to get in there in the first place. Protect your mind and maintain your resolve. Focus on the goal and don’t quit.

Their desire of your success often doesn’t exceed their own level of success. 

So the moment, you actually achieve a level of success, suddenly to them you will “have changed”, “you have an ego”, “you’re the expert”, etc. You name it. You achieve a goal, you make an accomplishment, one that maybe they thought you couldn’t or one they themselves were unable to achieve, and suddenly in an effort to support their self esteem they have to cut you a bit.

They just have to. So prepare for it. Expect it. Understand it. Remind yourself and them that you are not responsible for their self esteem; and their attempt to use you to tend to it, will be ignored.

Don’t let anyone steal your dream. Especially when it comes from friends and family. Don’t allow yourself to take on their insecurities and failures. Stay focused on that prize. Don’t quit. That small, simple, piece of advice has proven to be invaluable over the course of my life and the business ventures I’ve been involved in. Perhaps it will for some that read this too?

At any rate, love them where they’re at and keep reaching!

Copyright©2020 Jacob C. Larson All Rights Reserved

Read more here: When the Cheese is Moved…