Received a message in my messenger a few days ago. Spoke of a woman who was feeling inadequate in her relationship and described a man that was, for all intents and purposes, simply not present. It struck me when I read it. Thoughts immediately began to run in my mind. Opinions and judgements were plenty. But I ignored it. Dismissed it. Kicked it a one liner response and moved on. It’s been days later and I’m still thinking about it.

I mean, who isn’t insecure? About something. At some time. I’d wager to think that we all feel insecure at different times in our lives. It’s part of the human condition. One of the many horrible but natural things that make us human. The feelings of being inadequate. Not enough. Lacking. Whether it’s our language, body image, the lifestyle we live, etc. there seems to be plenty of reasons to make us feel less about who we are inside. And I honestly believe 99.9% of our insecurities are developed and formed in our early childhood development.

But what does that mean? Does that mean our feelings of insecurity and inadequacy aren’t our fault? Are they?

How many times have you shared something with your mate, something personal, something private, opened yourself up to them about something that’s bothered you or hurt your spirit only for them to respond with, “Well that’s your problem”. “That’s your insecurity”. “That’s not my fault”. “Don’t put that on me”. Defensive answers all given under the intent to reject or avoid taking any responsibility. And on one hand, they’re correct; no one chooses the childhood traumas that form us. It’s not your fault those insecurities exist, any more than it is the person who unwittingly triggered them. But acknowledging that basic truth, does not alleviate responsibility. For either of you.

If you’re someone that has a recognized insecurity, it’s your job to figure out what and why that is. Sometimes you gotta dig deep. Sometimes digging deep won’t bring up positive things in the past. Especially if those things resulted in an insecurity. Often times it’s painful. But exploring the reasons behind why you feel insecure, may lead you to a place of understanding in regards to it and assist in preparing you with how to deal with it in a positive manner. Then it needs to be voiced. And this is the thing, once that insecurity is voiced, once it’s mentioned, talked about, discussed, the responsibility of how it’s understood and acknowledged falls on your mate. Once your mate is made aware, once you’ve shared with them the intimate part of you, that hurts, causes you to feel unworthy, unwhole, they are given the opportunity to help you mend that past pain and insecurity….or exasperate it.

See, if you don’t recognize you have an insecurity, you can’t do what you need to do to address it. And if you don’t make your mate aware of it once you discover it, they can’t help you overcome it. So, insecurities have to be acknowledged and they have to be voiced in a relationship. If not, a person will perpetually feel slighted unknowingly and out of pure ignorance.

Sometimes that’s a hard thing to do. To admit to having an insecurity. It can be difficult. Maybe somewhat embarrassing. But in a loving relationship, there is nothing you can do or say that is going to cause your mate to not want to help you. A person who truly loves you should have a strong desire to assist you in whatever physical, spiritual, or emotional need you have. Always.

Which means, if you have voiced an insecurity to them and they have been made aware of it, your mate should go out of their way to avoid making you feel insecure. They should want you to feel secure. So they aren’t going to deliberately do or say something, or behave in a certain way, that triggers that insecurity. Make sense? They are going to want to be a part of the solution. They aren’t going to be one that adds to the insecurity. So the responsibility of their behavior after they are made aware of your insecurity is 100% on them.

Make no mistake, in my mind this is no different than a person knowing someone has a problem with alcohol, and knowingly and willingly making the choice to drink alcohol around them. It’s literally no different. It’s disrespectful, irresponsible, and toxic behavior to do that to someone who’s struggling with something. Having a mate that totally disregards a voiced insecurity, and continues a behavior that triggers that insecurity, is a form of abuse. Telling someone that their insecurity is not your fault doesn’t magically make the insecurity go away. You don’t have to understand your mates insecurity. You don’t. It may not be something you’re insecure about. Does. Not. Matter. What should matter, is that it makes your mate feel insecure. Which means you should make addressing that insecurity your priority. Mates help each other. That is their intent. Their purpose. To work in conjunction with one another and become one.

HOW then could you ever ignore or dismiss an insecurity that your loved one shared with you? How.

It’s a total disgrace if you do. Because it’s NOT their fault they have it, but it damn well may be your fault if you knowingly and willingly trigger it, based on your behavior or actions. You are responsible for how you behave. Period. So if your mate comes to you with a concern like that, your priority, above all others and yourself, should be to take care of your mate. To make them feel secure and whole. That’s your job. You signed up for that role when you agreed to be with that person. Your emotional well-being is tied to theirs, whether you acknowledge it, accept it, or not.

You’re going to make mistakes, sure. You may not always realize something you said or did affected them that way or triggered their insecurity. Once again, it’s not their fault they have it, and it’s not your fault they have it. But how you respond to it and your behavior towards it once you know? That’s 100% on you. Don’t forget that.

So give each other a break. Stop trying to place blame for an insecurity. Attempting to place blame literally solves nothing. Be kind to each other. Love each other. Understand that you’re both broken people in different ways and you’re both doing the best that you can. Be the glue for each other that mends those insecurities. Allows you both to heal.

So are you making your mate feel insecure?

You could be. Check yourself. And if you are doing or saying anything that would cause your mate pain: Stop. Accept responsibility for your actions and your behavior. Take on the insecurity. Together. Address it together. That’s how you overcome an insecurity in a relationship.

…and that’s what I think.

 

© Jacob C. Larson 2020 All Rights Reserved