It’s been years since my dad passed. I remember it was a Thursday. Things had been busy at work and when I got the call I remember just being in business mode. I took the news as if it was another thing that just got added to my list. Then I hung up and just sat there. Suddenly my mind raced with everything that needed to be done and how important it was for me to maintain the daily operations of the shop. Afterall, I had people counting on me. I didn’t have the luxury of dealing with my emotions right then.

So, I let people know that my father had died like I was reporting the weather. Something that was expected or anticipated. I continued to work all the next week while juggling funeral arrangements and the emotions of the people around me. Then felt bothered by the constant questions of how I was doing. I was busy. I was fine. 

Then the funeral came and I ran through the arrangements with my family in mind. What they needed. Things they wanted to do. Made sure every one was taken care of. All around the casket people paid their respects and talked about things they remembered about my dad. Then once the service had concluded and everyone had left I stood by my fathers grave alone and wept.

Once I started it felt like I couldn’t stop. I was just, I don’t know how to explain it. Just felt like I could finally breath. Ever since I had heard the news I had been holding my breath and then suddenly I didn’t have to anymore. The tears came easy. Then it was over and I went back to business.

I’ve heard it said that everyone, at some point in their life, will have a break up that’ll set them back. Give them a bit of a pause. Make them question their beliefs and who they are. Mine came neatly packaged in a woman I had been together with for seven years. We were engaged. Had lived together. I was helping her raise two kids. I was cleaning up throw up, buying school supplies, and helping tackle the latest anxiety driven crisis.

Then she manufactured an argument, broke up with me, and in less than a week was on an overnight trip with some dude at the beach. I tried to find out the why. The way it all went down was so weird. All I got for a response was a do not contact me. So I didn’t. An explanation was never given. I had no idea she had been chatting up some other dude behind my back. I didn’t have a clue of what Narcissism was while I was in that relationship. But I got quite the education of what it truly meant once I was separated from it.

I had never encountered someone so deceitful and manipulative in my life. She lied to me throughout our relationship and she lies to the man she’s with now.  Even the way she went about the break up was textbook Narcissism.

That hit me hard. In a way that only someone who’s been in a relationship with a narcissist would understand. That’s not something you just get over. That sort of thing changes you. Makes you question everything. There is no such thing as just moving on. You pretty much spend your days in a constant state of grieving. Because it’s like a death. The death of relationship that you held dear and the impending acknowledgment that it wasn’t real. So for me, getting through that (because you can get through but not over something like that), involved a bit of whiskey and some bad decisions that thankfully haven’t resulted in any life long consequences.

What I have learned is that when it comes to grief, how you deal with your grief, is your business. No one really has the right to tell you how to grieve. Sure, there are definitely some better ways than others to grieve. I’m not sayin there isn’t. But ultimately the flood of emotions your feeling during whatever life event that has been sent to you is something only you can get through and sometimes that simply takes time.

Me personally, I need to feel it. I need to grieve. Feel wave after wave of emotions and then marinade in it. Wouldn’t everyone who has had an impact on your life be deserving of that? Wouldn’t you want to be that for someone else? 

So for you, dear reader, wherever you’re at in your grieving process, understand and know that it’s ok and you don’t have to answer to or explain yourself to anyone. Hang out in the memories of what once was for as long as you need to, and when you’re ready, move forward (not on) with the knowledge that you did it the way it needed to be done. Find peace in that.

Read more here: Better Judgement

Copyright©2024 Jacob C. Larson All Rights Reserved

***When it comes to the death of loved ones, it always scoobies me when people act like the behavior at the end of someone’s life determines the relationship they must have had with someone. Wouldn’t the impact that someone’s had on your life be more evident in how you treated them while they were alive? No, I probably didn’t look too much like the loving son at my fathers funeral. But I went to visit with my father most every week. We spent countless hours exploring with mysteries of the universe together through numerous debates and fervent discussions. My father knew me. He knew his son. And I knew my father. I honored him in the way I knew he’d want me too; I took care of my family when they needed me to. 

****”Just get over it!” “There’s more fish in the sea!” I’ll never understand people who have the ability to bounce from one relationship to another. I think there is actually a psychological definition of people like that in the DSM-5 but the word eludes me. Personally, I think if you can just “move on” after a break up, the something that was “wrong” in the relationship was most likely: YOU. 

*****If you are on social media and you see someone who is currently struggling with some form of grief that they are going through, give them some space. Don’t assume you know the details behind whatever it is they’re going through. And if you have a question about something at least be the type of “friend” that ASKS rather than perpetuating ridiculous rumors. I guarantee the people who are going through a grieving process don’t also need to deal with your ill-witted gossip. Sometimes it’s best to just keep your mouth shut rather than allow your ego to spread something that isn’t true based on misinformation.