“…I thought I had better judgement”…

Heard someone say that this last weekend and the statement struck me to my core. Me too. Me too. 

You put in the time to get to know someone. You ask all the important questions in an effort to get an idea of who they are as a person. You go out and engage with them on a routine basis so you can learn how they react and respond to different situations. You talk for hours about what interests them. You attempt to reconcile their goals and dreams with your own. You learn their habits. Memorize their facial expressions. You learn about what they like and what they don’t like. You come to terms with what you can live with and what you can’t. You compromise. Make it work. Put forth the effort in spite of any misgivings you may have.

You know them and they know you.

Until you find out you don’t. Until you find out they’ve been lying to you all along. Until you find out they have been manipulating you in an effort to get what they wanted and didn’t actually care about you at all.

It’s a realization that cuts you to the core. You’ve officially been emotionally raped…and you’ll never be the same. 

Because the process you’ve been using to vet the people in your life is fundamentally flawed. The truth of it is, you lack the ability to determine what is a fact and what is a fiction. You’re easily duped.

The front door to your confidence of who you are as a person was opened under the guise of a friend, a confidant and while you allowed that to happen your emotional peace and well-being was stolen. The belief of who you are is now suspect. You can’t walk down that street ever again without thinking about it. Wondering if it’ll happen again.

So you become super vigilant. Careful with what you say. Mindful of what you share. Never again will words leave your lips without knowing they will be used against you. Your confidant, your safety, is gone. You become indifferent and jaded. You expect the unexpected to the point where you can predict the betrayal and you avoid it before it happens. Self sabotage brings you more comfort than being unwittingly blindsided by someone you thought you could trust.

You feel stupid. The kind of stupid that is sung about in every song played on the radio or is portrayed in every movie. The inescapable kind of stupid that isn’t merely used as a descriptor, as it simply is what is you. Stupid with a sprinkle of wisdom that the bliss of ignorance escapes.

…and that’s how it goes.

Every day, bound by the stupid and failures of the past.

But how could you have known? What could you have read or prepared for? Would you have even listened?

I. THOUGHT. I. HAD. BETTER. JUDGEMENT.

But I didn’t. My judgement was flawed. I was duped…and you don’t just recover from that. Time stops. Life goes on but it doesn’t. You second guess everything. Hoping that someday, one day, you can muster up that innocence of mind to trust and believe in someone again.

For those in this place, Salud! I’d like ta say it gets better…but I have no idea. 

Copyright©2023 Jacob C. Larson All Rights Reserved

***The word “Narcissist” gets thrown around a lot these days. But based on what I have read and experienced in my own life, the Narcissist will discard someone they are in a relationship with in an effort to get a new “source”. Narcissists need a source. Because they are pretty much human garbage without one. So, if you’ve been discarded by a Narcissist and the words you’ve read in this blog resonate with you, take heart, they chose you because of who you are. You’re everything they would hope they could be, but lack the ability to be. Who you are as a person. Your giving nature. Your natural ability to be empathetic. Those are all things that Narcissists pretend to be but don’t actually feel within their core. So they seek it out in others and they’ll use everything they can to prevent you from knowing that.

****Narcissism is part of the dark triad. It’s classified as a mental disorder in the DSM-5. It’s incurable. There are different levels of narcissism. But the kind that is most nefarious tends to affect only a very small segment of the population. Easiest way to determine if someone is a narcissist is to simply talk to one of their victims; because a narcissist will never admit they are a narcissist. They live in a constant state of denial. Regardless of the evidence of their inability to form and maintain healthy relationships. 

*****If you’ve been given the opportunity to leave a narcissist or been fortunate enough to be discarded by one –  thank God. ‘Cause He surely was looking out for you.